Originally submitted to http://www.plainlanguagenetwork.org
I found this on the site above. I can see that this is not written in plain English, but the rewritten version on the site seems to also need improving.
Here is the original:
"We have recently implemented an enhancement to our computer system that will enable us to provide better service to our valued customers. This has resulted in a slight delay in the processing of your renewal. The difference you will notice is in the payment schedule. Your annual policy premium has been divided over 11 (eleven) months, and as a result your monthly payment will have increased due to the reduced number of monthly installments."
Here is how they rewrote it:
We are a little late in sending your renewal documents because we have made a change in our computer system in order to provide better service. Your annual premium will now be divided over 11 months instead of 12 so the monthly payment will increase slightly.
Thanks for this interesting example. I would rewrite it so that the most important information comes first. I would also reduce the length of the sentences. Notice that in each short paragraph below, I begin the second sentence with a strong link to the first sentence. This maintains a high readability. Your reader can follow your message more easily. I have also used the 'you approach'. The message feels more personal now.
Here is my version:
"Your annual premium will now be divided over 11 months instead of 12. This means that your monthly payment will increase slightly.
I apologise for sending your renewal documents to you a little late. This delay was because we have enhanced our computer system to give you a better service."
All the best and thanks again for sharing this. Simon